Why Men Nod and Women Laugh (and What That Means for Leaders)

When I present to groups that are primarily men and groups that are primarily women, I notice something fascinating: the same stories land differently.

With mostly men in the audience, the reaction is quieter—attentive, yes, but less “friendly.” With mostly women, the response is immediate—laughter, nods, connection, and sometimes even a burst of applause. Same stories, same delivery—different outcome.

Deborah Tannen, in her groundbreaking book, “You Just Don’t Understand,” explains that these differences aren’t biological—they’re social. We learn how to communicate as children, often from same-gender playgroups.

For women, smaller groups encourage intimacy and equality. Conversation becomes a way to build rapport and strengthen closeness.

For men, larger groups emphasize independence and hierarchy. Conversation often serves to establish rank—who’s in charge, who has expertise, who’s “one up.”

This plays out in everyday life. When a woman shares a problem, she may be seeking empathy and connection. A man, conditioned to show value by solving problems, jumps in with a fix. He thinks he’s being helpful; she feels unheard. Neither is wrong—they’re just aiming for different outcomes.

As leaders, we can’t assume one style works in every setting. Great leaders flex their style to fit the moment. What works brilliantly in one group might flop in another.

Here is how you lead your team with agility:

• Read the room: Observe what your team needs now.

• Adjust accordingly: Shift between directive and supportive as needed.

• Stay authentic: Adapt without losing your core values.

How can you shift your approach to meet the moment?