Why Are We So Afraid of Feedback?
Thomas Edison is often quoted as saying, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Whether the number was exactly 10,000 is beside the point.
Edison understood something about progress that we sometimes forget: Finding out what doesn’t work is still useful information. Imagine if, after one unsuccessful experiment, Edison had said, “Well, that was uncomfortable. Let’s never speak of it again.” We might all be sitting in the dark.
This is how progress and learning work: You try something. You get feedback. You adjust. You try again. Eventually, you get closer to what works.
Too often, we treat feedback as a judgment about what we did wrong instead of information that can help us do something better. As my dad used to say, “That is ass-backwards.” The real purpose of feedback isn’t to look backward. It’s to move people forward. Here are three ways to do this:
Focus on future behavior. Discuss what happened, but don’t camp out there. Shift quickly to what the person can do differently the next time. The most useful question isn’t, “What went wrong?” It’s, “What will you do differently going forward?”
Set clear expectations. People cannot adjust their behavior if they aren’t sure what successful behavior looks like. Be specific. “Communicate better” isn’t an expectation. “Send the client an update by the end of each day until this is resolved” is.
Follow up. Too often, we have the feedback conversation and consider our work finished. But change rarely happens because of one conversation. Circle back. Notice improvement. Reinforce what’s working. And then rinse and repeat.
Let’s stop treating feedback as a verdict and start treating it like Edison did: as information that helps us figure out the next thing to try. Feedback only works when action follows.
Remember: The goal of feedback isn’t to prove someone failed. It’s to help them find a better way forward.